picking up my pen again

Posted: August 31, 2020 in Uncategorized

energy exists. i can feel it in my shoulders taking the form of my anxiety. it’s not quite infinite but something close. i can say long burns the fire. i can claim exactly that much.

i do my best to dump it like burning rocks into the work. i try to empty it all into these small serving size bowls of anonymity. i’ve been at this for a long time. shorter than forever, but close enough and i sometimes wonder if it even matters.

i breathe in smoke and wonder if the heavier elements remember what it was like to be a star, if they’ll ever get the chance to be again. i wonder if they miss it.

there are no answers to the questions in my head. nothing satisfactory anyway, and i continue on, wondering if the emptiness calls me home or if i call the emptiness home. i don’t know. all that really matters is the sky is dark, and cold, and energy exists.

 

ghost

muddy hole

Posted: August 25, 2020 in Uncategorized

starting anew in the flutter and sputter of apprehensive lungs. i find the occasional smile in the vacant sea filled with feathers and tumultuous clatter. my ribs have grown into a treacherous pattern reminiscent of rusty cages and i struggle to acclimate.

i want to wrestle with angels, but i can’t seem to find a ladder.

 

ghost

this is the way

Posted: August 17, 2020 in Uncategorized

you see, i know these streets. i put every footprint you see in the hardened concrete when it was wet and freshly poured. i’m just retracing my steps for the thousandth time.

nothing lasts but i seem to come around here more often than i’d like. i’m not from this place. i’m just a visitor in streetlight twang, a ghostly echo growing dim.
ghost

i don’t trustfall anymore

Posted: July 11, 2020 in Uncategorized

the last mouthful broke the rest of my teeth. a decade gone and i’m still chewing jagged glass and leftover damage, so crank up the white noise because someone left the gaslight on.

i doubt i’ll ever be habitable again. better to tear down the old structure and build again from the ground up.

it’s my fault, really. what i thought was love was rotten with decay. what i thought was care was subtle trickery. affection was desperation. desire was nothing more than demand.

i’ve never been any good at judging the ground for foundation.

 

ghost

madness, of a sort

Posted: May 26, 2020 in Uncategorized

all of my time is caught up in commas and reckless corrections. my process, it seems, is just another way i fall. i don’t remember stability, but as usual, i’m lousy at selling my insight.

my insides are knotted and i want to claw my skin. i don’t. instead, i sit here with a rather ominous grin, cornered and wishing for worship or warships or worse yet, a wordless expanse of infinity.

i finish another drink and curse. 3:23 am sounds like a hearse pulled up outside. its horn plays like a dirge.

i’m worthless again. 

 

ghost

and roll credits

Posted: April 24, 2020 in Uncategorized

“i’m just not having a goodlife at the moment.”-cass a.

 

“she was samoan.”-ghost

“like a girlscout cookie?”-riley

 

“you’re not going to catch us. i’m 1st. she’s 2nd. you’re like 5th in the class.”-holly

“no, see, when you two are both overcome by senioritis, that’s when i’m going to make my move.” -baby blount

 

“donna, it’s titus, not tit us.”-addi

 

“if our class song is miley cyrus i’m not going to graduation.” -micaela

 

“hi, jamie. i like your shoes.”-ghost

“thanks. i think they make me look like a lesbian.”-jamie

 

“i lost my pencil. i’m dropping out of high school.”-nayely

 

“tip, i can’t do that. i can only make eggs.”-hunter b.

“just like my uterus.”-karsyn

 

“i’ve never heard of blind people having kids. i mean, how could they?”-kylie h.

“what do you mean? it would just be like having sex with the lights out.”-ireland

“that’s not what she meant, but i suppose it is accurate.”-ghost

 

“i found this pair of shoes i really like, but my mom said they’re ugly.”-cass a.

“why do moms have to be like that? i know they think they are protecting us, but this is the same woman who let me have bangs when i was younger.”-nayely

 

“this little kid somehow videoed his mom in the shower and then sent it to a bunch of people on messenger.”-riley

“i would seriously put my kid up for adoption.”-cass a.

 

“bethany’s gramma is a SNITCH!”-kaden

 

“guess who isn’t going to be allowed in art 3. hint, her name is ava.”-ghost

“i’m going to have early release. i’ll just come in here when i get out of my last class.”-ava

“nope. i’m going to have the door locked and tell my students to treat you like you’re a school shooter.”-ghost

“you are literally the worst teacher.”-ava

 

“my parents can either have me get good grades in history or good grades in english. they have to pick one.”-ava

“what if they expect good grades across the board?”-ghost

“they have to accept me for who i am eventually.”-ava

 

“i hate it when the area around my nipple itches and i scratch it and my nipple gets hard.”-jack

 

“watch your language, you foul mouthed hooligans.”-ghost

“we don’t mean to cuss, tipton.”-reagan

“it just comes out.”-karsyn

“it’s like a pull out game. you either have it or you don’t.”-micaela

“we definitely don’t have it.”-karsyn

 

“i got the crown you made me today and tried on my dress. i love it so much. AND we got to contour my boobs!”-ava

 

(student sneezes twice.)

“bless you two times.-ghost

“i think i just peed myself.”-jade

 

“i’m the prime candidate for multiple choice partner on the A&P test.”-baby blount

“even more than me? i consider myself prime candidate material.”-holly

“what about you, marissa?”-ghost

“i am NOT the prime candidate.”-marissa

(time passes and the topic has changed a dozen times)

“once you go cannibal, there’s no coming back from that.”-holly

“alls i’m saying is if we’re in a situation where i’m starving and you’re dead, i’d eat you.”-ghost

“I’d eat marissa for sure. she’s a runner. look at those legs.”-baby blount

“(in a sultry tone) who’s the prime candidate now?”-marissa

 

 

ghost

feeling empty and venomous

Posted: April 20, 2020 in Uncategorized

snakes crawl out of my mouth. my hands like sleep, wait silently for me to give into them. i toss words like rocks across my tongue, skipping them on the mirror of a calm lake and we reach, hands outstretched toward the sky, toward the sun.

it’s a shame it’s all empty.

 

ghost

Ghost 4.5

Posted: April 10, 2020 in Uncategorized

i get messages sometimes from people i knew way back when. invariably the conversations are always awkward because it seems like they’re remembering some old version of me, some role i no longer play and no longer recognize.

does that ever f*ck you up? does considering all of these old versions of you that still exist in people’s minds mess with your head? no? i admit it does bother me when i’m interacting with people i haven’t talked to or spent time with in years and they’re just out there with all these versions of me that kinda sucked.

ghost

coronapocalypse

Posted: April 3, 2020 in Uncategorized

my mind is a prison guard pacing up and down the dark aisle of my spine. with every clink of its billy club against the bars i grit my teeth and push against my bones. my body remains still and i would scream if i could but i don’t have the controls anymore. my voice is broken.

i’m trapped inside my house, inside myself and all of my escape plans have failed.

 ghost

can’t compete with the sky

Posted: March 6, 2020 in Uncategorized

faster i fall as it all burns, casting a neon glow into the night sky. if i don’t learn to fly in the next heartbeat, they’ll trace me in chalk on the street in the morning.

fate, here i am, fully leapt and prepared to soar.

i still defy.

but do attest that i am altered.

 

ghost